The Art of Painting

A quick post tonight....my painting class started again last night. I couldn't get to the class quick enough! For a 'warm-up' I painted 5 small (3" x 3") paintings (see above and below). Having fun playing with pumice, toilet paper rolls (great for stenciling!), sides of cardboard, and my continued learning of mixing colors. On to bigger (and perhaps better??) next week.

l'anxiété

I've spent a great part of my life being anxious; or rather having anxiety. Of course when I was young, I didn't know what anxiety was and couldn't put a label on what I was feeling. The unexplained stomachaches, headaches, nervous twitches, hives did not have a diagnosis. As a young child, I didn't understand stress, I just knew that I didn't feel good - a lot. My childhood wasn't always happy. Growing up with a severely alcoholic abusive absent father negatively affected our family and the way we lived. Now, many years later, terms such as 'codependency', 'neglect', 'verbal/emotional abuse', 'enabling', and 'addiction' are labels placed on my childhood and adulthood.

Off and on counseling, since the age of 12, has helped me to overcome (mostly) the loss of childhood I experienced, recover from the neglect and abuse, and understand addiction. Unfortunately, the anxiety that started as a young child has not gone away. I experience physical manifestations of anxiety in different forms at different times; never really knowing when my body will go into 'full anxiety'. Years ago, I started a new endeavor as a full-time consultant and broke into full body hives for a week - the physical pain associated with the hives was overwhelming. Its almost as if my body was speaking to me - or rather yelling at me - telling me to be more aware and "wake up!".

When my son was a baby (not even a year old), his dad and I were having a rough go of it financially so I picked up a second job on the weekends. I was already working full-time during the week. After 9 months of working seven days a week with no days off, I was very exhausted. One Sunday I went to work and my chest, stomach and left arm started to ache badly. Worried, I called the doctor who promptly told me to go to the emergency room. Upon arriving, I was briskly taken to the back for tests - since I showing symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately, I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer, stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and told to promptly quit my weekend job. My body telling me to slow down.

Last March, I started having similar symptoms over a period of about 4 weeks. On a Saturday night, I found myself in the emergency room, again with symptoms of a heart attack. After many tests, a visit with a cardiologist, a stress test and various blood samples, it was deduced that I was having anxiety attacks. Again.

I've tried many non-prescription ways of handling my anxiety...meditation, prayer, yoga, vitamins, making sure I get enough rest, not over scheduling...some have worked, for awhile.

I think I'm fairly good at hiding my anxiety, as I wonder if many of my friends and family even know that I suffer from an "above normal level".

I read once that chronic anxiety and stress can actually leave an imprint in your physical and emotional self...a blueprint of sorts. A 'fight or flight' reaction.

Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal from anxiety. I feel my body has grown accustomed to it over so many years; starting when I was very young. When I was 4 years old, my parents left me alone with my 3-year old sister in the evenings while they worked at a factory. Though my mother left a handwritten note (which of course I couldn't read), we foraged through the refrigerator for food to feed ourselves, putting ourselves to bed when night fell on the small one-bedroom apartment the four of us lived in. I would lay in bed not wanting to fall asleep, listening to my sister cry. No bedtime stories for us. The worry, fear and loneliness I must have felt at that age somehow formed on imprint in my psyche. An imprint that I live with everyday.

The anxiety is unbearable. I only hope it lasts forever. ~ Oscar Wilde

The Anti-Aging Diet

Ah January...the month of resolutions, many of which include losing weight, exercising, stop smoking, being nicer (or at least, more pleasant), getting at least 7 hours of sleep, spending more time with your spouse/partner, sending birthday cards (not the e-mail kind)...well, as you may know from my previous post (below), I don't make resolutions. Funny thing is, resolutions have been the topic of discussion with many of my friends the last couple of weeks. I'm sure by end of January, the discussion on resolutions will be replaced by...let's see, spring clothing trends, change in hair color, and when will the winter end.

This week I went out after work for a cocktail (for me = diet coke) with a new friend from work, T. As we were sitting across from one another in the dimly lit lounge of a restaurant, she asked how old I was. Never embarrassed or bothered by my age, I quickly answered, "47". "No way" T said, "I don't believe you". Well, at the age of 47 why oh why would I lie? T's eyes opened widely as she told me she needed proof, of which I quickly offered up my driver's license (birth year: 1962). I've never been too hung up on age - there are people who are 18 and act like they are 30; and people who are 30 who act like they are 18 (and this goes for their looks as well!). T is 31; she thought I was 37. LOVE the compliment.

Most people who try to guess my age usually place me in the late 30s. Pretty cool for a mother of a 20-year old and who would have been married 27 years this year to his father.

I thank genetics, decent living and my personal "anti-aging diet" for keeping me looking younger than my 47 years. I'm lucky to have two grandmothers who, with their luminous skin and minimal lines looked awesome as they aged (one of my grandmothers is passed; the other just turned 91 and looks fantastic!). My mother, though she died at the too young age of 52, always looked beautiful and to me, glamorous (a former Miss Shakopee (MN)!). Mom would step out of the house with a brush of mascara and a stroke of lipstick on her lips and look like a million bucks.

I don't smoke, drink minimal alcohol and askew the sun (though I was a "sun bunny" in my teens....which I have paid for with a history of skin cancer). I owe my skin tone, lack of visible wrinkles, full lips and cheeks to the "anti-aging diet". Anyone who knows me knows that for most of my life I've struggled with my weight - up and down, down and up...and at this point, I think if I do lose those pounds that I probably should, the fat would leave my face, the wrinkles and lines would slowly start to appear...and BAM!.....I will look 'my age'...47. The "anti-aging diet" (read: no dieting...don't lose weight...stay pleasantly plump) keeps my wrinkles and lines at bay...and to think I don't need to use $100 skin creams!

I will admit that a positive and happy outlook on life shared with loving friends and family and self-acceptance also help in keeping me look 'not my age' (or at least I think so). Maybe that is the key to the 'anti-aging diet' - self-acceptance. Now there's a resolution I can live with.

A New Year

Yes, I know. It's 2010 - a new year, a new decade. A time when many think about resolutions, actually make them, only to break them at, let's see.....today (January 2nd). Now I don't mean to sound negative, sarcastic or condescending...very much not. But why is it that resolutions are made the first of every year? I say let's start a new trend...let's make resolutions on July 4th. What better way to make a list of things you want to change about yourself and have fireworks exploding upon finalization of 'the list' (or, your 'bucket list' if you are so inclined)?

I don't make resolutions anymore. I used to, but a week in to the new year would find myself going back to my 'old ways'. My resolutions were boring and pretty much the same year in and year out - exercise more (or at least start!), lose weight (a lifelong battle), floss my teeth more (this is the one resolution that is successful). I don't smoke, drink (to excess), gamble, cheat, steal...generally, I'm nice to family and friends. I like my job, my coworkers...so making a resolution every new year almost became, well, boring. It's interesting talking to friends and family this time of year to actually discuss what their resolutions are - or if they don't make them at all. We visited my cousin, J, on New Year's eve and he asked us "what were your highs and lows in '09?". Good question.

Though I am a very thankful person and realize I live a blessed life, I had not taken the time to think about 2009 and all the ups and downs of the past year. As I thought for a moment, I quickly realized that 2009 was made of many 'highs' and few 'lows'. All in all, probably one of the best years of my life. Actually I think I had one of the best decades. I sometimes contemplate my life in 'chunks of years' - the last couple years, the last 5 years, the last decade. The decade of the '10s' will bring many changes to my life and the lives of those closest....I will turn 50, my son will become 'legal', finish college (!!), start his career, perhaps fall in love (of course - this I am hoping will all come true for him)...some family and friends will pass, others will be born, some relationships may end but others may begin.

Perhaps I should make a resolution, not for 2010, but for today. A daily resolution. To be happy, to be healthy, to be kind, to be loving, to be a great mom, a loving partner, a good friend...to bring a smile to someone I just met, give a hug to someone for no reason, to be thankful, to live in joy. For I have today, January 2, 2010...and I'm very thankful.