The Memories We Keep

It's always around this time of the year - after Christmas and the week before New Year's, that I become a bit sentimental. I stopped making resolutions years ago...if I want to change something I'll do it when I want, not at a predetermined time of the year with everyone else. And how many of us truly keep our resolutions anyway? This is also the time of year when memories of the past trickle thru my mind, often passing thru and not stopping, but sometimes, or rather oftentimes, stopping and sitting a bit...memories of my childhood, memories of family time, friends, school, memories of happy times and memories of sad times. 

On January 4 will be the three year anniversary of my grandmother Juanita's death. She was a vibrant 92-year old woman who lived a long and happy life. I was honored to speak at her eulogy. Sadly, my grandma Marie, who will turn 92 this week, is currently in a nursing home and visiting her has brought many memories back of both my grandma Juanita and my own mother, who passed away in 1993. Seeing those you love ill is difficult, sad and to me, brings a feeling of helplessness. If I could only take away the pain, I would. 

I thought I would share the eulogy I gave at my grandmother Juanita's wake almost three years ago. Both of my grandmothers were forces of nature in my life and I grew up feeling like I had three mothers - Juanita, Marie, and my mother, Judy. I feel fortunate to have memories of all three of them that will always be remembered, will always be cherished and will always be thankful for. 

Grandma Marie, Christmas, 2009....she turns a "young" 92 this week. Happy Birthday Grandma!

Read at the Eulogy for Juanita Vevea, Wednesday, January 9, 2008:

Thank you to all who have come to pay their respects to my grandmother Juanita. I am both honored and sad to stand before you to offer a glimpse into the life of a woman who was more than a grandmother to me. In the 45 years I was honored to have her in my life, grandma taught me, through her words and actions, to live a life of thankfulness, caring, grace, empathy, compassion, humor and above all, the importance of God, family and friends. I, along with many others, am left with memories to fill a lifetime. As the firstborn grandchild, grandma often referred to me as her 5^th child following my father Russell, Joyce, Doug and Mark. After the loss of my own mother, Judy, and the subsequent loss of my father, Russ, both of my grandmothers filled a maternal role more than ever. I feel like I’ve lost a mother all over again.

Family was above all. the most important thing in grandma’s life. She and Lawrence raised four children and she spent her lifetime caring for Doug, or rather they cared for each other. In the past few years their roles reversed somewhat that Doug was grandma’s main caregiver. His urging of her to go out to lunch and shopping I believe kept her more active than if she was living alone. Juanita adored her grandchildren – Rachel, Angie, Nathan, Alison and was so proud to be a great-grandmother to Cooper and Maggie. Every time she received a photo or heard news about one of us she was on the phone to share the news with the rest of the family.

We each hold within us memories of Juanita – memories of family gatherings, birthdays, and holidays. Memories of losses – the loss of her husband, son, daughter-in-law, her brothers.  In my heart, it is the memories often associated with my childhood that I hold dear. Memories of boating and snowmobiling on Prior Lake, memories of Juanita and Lawrence picking up my sister, Rachel, and I in Ortonville and spending a couple of weeks before school with both sets of our grandparents – going back with new school shoes and a new pencil box full of school supplies. She was the one I told when I got my first kiss, who took care of me when I was ill my 2^nd year of college and had to leave school for awhile, who taught me to be assertive but gentle, kind at all times, gracious and caring. Memories of Thanksgiving with plates brimming over with more starches than anyone should ever eat – the requisite mashed potatoes and dressing, but also wild rice, noodles, sweet potatoes and lots of gravy and the homemade cranberry sauce that looked like a piece of modern art shaped like a Greek pyramid. A few of us probably remember the kadolflke-making event at Grandma Ella’s and the lutefisk debacle in the 70s. I remember grandma underneath the kitchen table trying to coax Shane, her dog, and her getting bit. I remember sitting on the couch holding her hand hours after Grandpa Lawrence died. I remember her driving – us passengers often white-knuckled as she had a bit of a heavy foot. When my own son Cooper was born and was in neonatal intensive care, she was the first person I saw when I stepped off the elevator to see my son for the first time. Her love was ever present. I remember the utter sadness and despair she felt when our mother, her daughter-in-law, was diagnosed with cancer.

Juanita was very adamant about the pursuit of education. In her life, one could not have ‘too much’ education. Grandma was one of the smartest women I knew – she was a voracious reader and used to read 2-3 books a week. It was important to her that her children and grandchildren receive as much education as possible. She was very proud of the accomplishments of her children and grandchildren and they have done much to make her proud and continue to do so. As I continue my own education, she was the one that pushed me forward and kept me going always telling me you’re never too old to go to school.

A lifelong Catholic, grandma was a religious and spiritual woman who prayed daily and attended Mass when she could. When anyone was going through a difficult time, she would always say ‘extra’ prayers. I always believed that grandma’s prayers were heard first as things always got a bit better after her ‘extra’ prayers.  She was loyal to her family and every Memorial Day up until this past year made the trek to the family plots to place fresh plants for her parents, aunt and uncle and husband.

There are so many memories, warm thoughts, enduring moments…and so many things I will now miss especially the daily phone call, the warm hug and kiss, the “I love you”, her saying how proud she was of me. I miss my grandmother. I miss her smile, her laugh, the sparkle in her eyes. I miss watching her fix her hair and put make-up on, her pretty ruby lips. I miss her charm, her humor, her sensibility. I miss the family rituals she honored and protected. I miss the stories of her life.  She was the matriarch of the Vevea family and it is with utmost sadness and grief that an important chapter in our family has passed. But it is the memories that we will hold on to and tell our children. It is these memories that I hold closest to me and know that though grandma is in heaven – and finally after so many, many years – free of the crippling pain that she suffered – she is with those that she so dearly loved that died before her and know she is having the party of her life. My dear, beautiful, loving, caring grandma…say ‘hi’ to grandpa, mom and dad for Rachel and I okay? Let them know that we think of them often and know that you will continue to watch over us as you did when you were alive. Thank you for your guidance and love, thank you for showing me how to be a good mother, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter. Thank you for living a life that exemplifies what goodness is and what ideal I should strive for. Thank you for sharing 92 years of your life with all of us. Thank you for your prayers and blessings. Good-bye grandma…may the peace and love of God surround you and keep you and may His light be ever with you.

 A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend.
-- Author Unknown

 

The Labels We Use

This semester I'm taking two classes, advanced research methods and advanced research writing (keep reading this will be more interesting, I promise). In the writing class we are working on our literature reviews, the final project for the class. We have discussed and worked on various aspects of our literature reviews - annotated bibliographies, abstract, APA style, headings, etc. The main topic of discussion this past week was on LABELS.

One of the aspects I most appreciate about our writing professor, Dr. F-L, is that we do group activities and discussions and she promotes much interaction between our small class. When it came to the discussion of labels, she gave us a few minutes to list 1) a label about ourselves that we DO like, and 2) a label about ourselves that we DO NOT like. Though this may seem like an easy or fast exercise, it caused me pause to think about the labels me and others use to describe ourselves. And more importantly, what labels do we use to describe others. For example, labels given to small children ("at risk", "poor", "single parent household") oftentimes stay with them throughout their childhood and into adulthood.

Labels can be descriptive ("intelligent", "pretty"), positive ("great personality", "easy to get along with"), negative ("pessimist", "mean-spirited"), along with being based on one's ethnicity, religion, sexuality, gender and/or age.

When I listed my "labels" I had many more I didn't like then I liked. The labels that I appreciate and like are: mom, single, female. The ones I don't like are: white, divorced, middle class, over-educated, plus size, daughter of an alcoholic. As the group shared their personal labels, we each got to know one another on a more intimate and personal level. Labels (both liked and disliked) ranged from feminist, at risk, middle class, African, Native American, working mother, Black, impersonal, to Jewish. In listening to my fellow classmates and professor, I reflected on how we so easily label others and perhaps how unfair it is to do so.

Is classifying and placing people in silos and labeling them on their physical appearance, religious background, color of skin, ethnicity, level of education, political affiliation, marital status, age, economic state or sexual preference fair? Is labeling valid in performing reliable and ethical research? Does labeling cause more harm than good?

The U.S. Census Department completed the 2010 census, and in doing so labels the U.S. population for a variety of socioeconomic demographic statistics that will affect government funding, at all levels, for years to come. Not only does the government (at all levels) utilize census information, but businesses do as well for targeted marketing campaigns to segments of the population, such as the growing Hispanic population in the United States.

This past week I have thought often about LABELS and reflected on the use of them in my own communication methods and thought processes. Perhaps it's time for us to not label people (or ourselves) as fast as society would like us to. We are not a country of silos, described only by our beliefs, color of skin, marital status, age or how much money we make, but rather a country, and world, full of fascinating, interesting, remarkable men, women and children who, instead of being labeled, should be treated with respect and fairness. Isn't that how you want to be treated?

Let's vote for a label-free world.

"Once you label me, you negate me." ~  Soren Kierkegaard

On Love

Love...the emotion, the feeling, the word, the action that brings us together, bonds people for eternity, expresses the deepest of feelings.
Have you ever been in love? Truly in love? The kind of love that consumes your being, your life, your mind and thoughts, a love that has no boundaries, no beginning, no end. To love is to risk and to accept love is to be vulnerable. 

I Knew I Loved You

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you
(lyrics by Savage Garden)

I've been in love, out of love, broken from love but never afraid of love or wanting to give up on love. One simply has to open their heart, put their fears away, be not afraid and open your soul to receive the greatest gift one can give another...their love.

We all need and deserve to have love, to have someone to love and be loved. Love is the strongest emotion two people can express to each other. Along with love comes commitment, commitment to grow, share and continue on a tremendous journey together. With love comes adoration and adoration is respect, trust, honesty, intimacy, affection, communication, support, and commitment. Be not afraid to love; for it is love that holds us all together.

Je vous adore et aime

A New Season and New Beginnings

Autumn...my favorite season. It's not just the change in weather (not a fan of high temperatures) or the impending holidays (Thanksgiving being my most favorite), but the earth seems to swirl underneath. Leaves, so vibrantly green and in full bloom, start to transition in color to blazen shades of orange and yellow and then drop off the trees to blanket the earth below them covering the ground like a warm winter blanket. The air takes on a different scent, the smell of leaves burning in backyard piles and the cool crispness of the air sends a slight shiver down my body. Autumn, to me, is also a time of transition; even more so than summer, spring or winter. I always equate the autumn season with the start of school and the laziness of summer seems to turn overnight to the busyness of school activities, fall sports, craft sales, holiday shopping and preparation for the upcoming holidays.

No Spring nor Summer Beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one Autumnal face.
- John Donne

Personally, I seem more energetic in the fall. When nature is winding down and preparing for the dormancy of winter, I gain more energy and become more engaged in activities. Painting class began last week and I was giddy like a kid on the first day of kindergarten - the first brushstroke of paint on canvas felt enlivening. I'm also back at school and am with a great group of students who I already consider new friends. My school comrades are an eclectic and diverse group coming from different educational and career backgrounds...teachers, law enforcement, social services, academia...I feel recharged after each class from the intellectual and innovative discussions. I've also had the the immense pleasure of meeting new people recently who are fascinating to talk with, listen to and learn from. 

I think I'm going to go pick up some fallen leaves and place them under a piece of paper and color over them...like I did as a child. Remember? My own autumn collage. My ode to a new season; my favorite season.

Circle of Friends and Family

It's been a few months since I've updated my blog. Basically, I took the summer off from writing. Now it is Labor Day weekend and autumn seems just around the corner, especially as I sit near my patio door, half open, with a cool breeze coming through the livingroom. The last few months and this summer have seemed surreal.  If you are one of my close friends (this includes family), you know what has happened in my personal life and I have decided to not go into specifics in this blog - it is not the platform nor the appropriate place to write and publish all that has happened to me personally.

I did not attend any art fairs, carnivals, summer events or concerts this year, though my life has seemed like a roller coaster at an amusement park - up and down, fast curves, shrills, thrills and screams. I have cried more this year than I have in my entire life and felt a range of emotions that I didn't know existed within my being. The emotions and related anxiety and stress took a toll on my physical self of which I am recovering. I am also recovering emotionally and thank a supportive, wonderful, loving, protective group of friends and family that encircle me like a warm blanket. 

I am so very thankful and fortunate to have in my life people who have shown tremendous support, great help (I moved), gave hugs, kisses, time and most importantly, their friendship. To my friends and family who have shown tremendous support these past few months, words are not enough to express the gratitude, appreciation and love I have for each and every one of you. You have shown me what true and honest friendship is and I hope that I am the friend to you that you are to me.

Many of my friends are going through their own personal 'crises' right now - some are unemployed or losing their jobs, some have ill relatives, some are having relationship problems. Know that I am here for you as you are for me. Together, friends form bonds that help each other get through the trials and tribulations that occur in our lives.

Though this summer was full of much transition for me, I am looking forward to autumn, my favorite season of the year. I'm grateful for a terrific son who is in his 3rd year of college and doing great; I'm excited to start painting again in a couple of weeks; and I'm elated to begin an EdD program at Saint Mary's University of Minnesota. I'm happy for my best girlfriend who got married to a wonderful man in May; I love the 'girl time' I spent with my 4-year old niece this summer (miss you Maggie!); I'm thankful for a sister who calls often to see how I'm doing; I'm proud of my 4 cousins who got married this summer and another one who is engaged (3 out of the 4 are brothers!); but mostly, I'm thankful. It is true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger...and some of the decisions I made this past summer - be them forced or not - I realize are for the best.

Sending my love and gratitude to my family and friends....always, Renee.

My Best Friend's Wedding

I've known C for over 20 years. We met at our first "official" jobs (meaning: 40 hours per week with benefits). Over the years we've gone thru much together - marriage, divorce, children, jobs, boyfriends, weight gain, weight loss....along with tears and laughter. Lots of laughter. C has an insatiable personality that lights up a room the minute she enters. She is loving, affectionate, and caring. C is also strong, assertive and confident. C calls every woman she meets - even if she doesn't know them - 'girlfriend'. As in 'thank you, girlfriend' after being served at a restaurant.

Over the years we have known each other, even though there were periods of time we didn't keep in touch (life events can sometimes make this happen), we grew closer and every time we talked and saw each other picked up where we left off. Since I moved to Minneapolis almost 6 years ago, C and I don't see each other as often, the last time being over a year ago. C flew to Minneapolis for a fun-filled and activity-packed 4 days. As soon as C got off the plane she said she had something to show me, something new. We weren't in the house 5 minutes and she unzipped her pants and pulled her shirt up to show a colorful artistic rendition of flowers flowing down the side of her body, not unlike the art she designs on the cakes she decorates at her restaurant in Rapid City (SD). C had fun showing her body art to everyone she met during her trip here. That's one thing I love about C - her whimsy, her freedom, her authenticity.

C is my best friend and we refer to each other as 'sister'. We call each other 'sis' along with other nicknames only the two of us use. This weekend, my 'sis' is getting remarried and I will stand beside her as maid-of-honor. I have not met her betrothed, J, though I have talked to him on the phone a few times. I can only imagine the wonderful and loving man he is for C would not be with anyone otherwise. I am happy for them. I am happy for the life they are starting together. I am happy my best friend has another best friend. I am not losing a sister but rather gaining a brother-in-law.

      Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other. 

                                                                                                           ~Carol Saline

New Paintings_Color Studies

While I was in graduate school (the past 5 years), I often thought of what I would do after I finished. Oh yes, I definitely was going to continue working full-time, but the time spent studying, for me, had to be replaced. Never one to sit quiet, I'm used to keeping myself busy. For the past 3 years or so, I looked forward to painting. I had never painted before and had no idea if I would like it - or even be good at it (still don't know if I am). But it didn't matter. The thought of swirling colors on a palette, seeing the variance in hues and tones, and slathering wet paint on a white untouched canvas seemed...well, liberating.

Promptly after graduating last summer I registered for an acrylic painting class at a local fine arts center. After purchasing the supplies - 3 brushes, 4 tubes of paint (is that all?), a canvas and a roll of paper towel, I excitedly waited for the first night of class. The instructor has a MFA in painting and is a kind and patient teacher. The first night of class we painted our color palette with primary colors (red, blue, yellow) and then secondary colors (green, orange, purple). Oh I how loved twirling the colors together to form different variations...and with only 3 tubes of primary colors and a tube of white I was able to create almost every color I desired. Black, gray, brown and purple became challenging for me, but I figured it out.

Fast forward 7 months and I'm about to take my 3rd round of acrylic painting classes at the fine arts center and am in the midst of a second round of 'artists studio plus' on Wednesdays - an open studio located a mere 7 minutes from my home. I now paint twice a week. Painting has easily replaced 'studying' and for me is a form of therapy. When I paint I let my mind go free, never knowing what I will paint until the brush hits the canvas.

I guess I may be a bit unconventional as I don't paint from a still life or photograph. I have painted some pieces from my memories of the beautiful Black Hills in the winter - snowcapped pine trees, softly lit pink skies. I admire the work of Cy Twombly, so have tried to paint my own type of flowers. And I'm trying my hand at abstract (the paintings below). Using pumice, modeling compounds, different painting implements, and water has allowed the paint to express itself on the canvas rather than me controlling the paint. Where it goes and where it stops is up to the paint, not the artist.

No, I don't plan on 'quitting my day job' and becoming a full-time painter but I am both thankful and fortunate to portray my many inspirations thru paint. There is so much more I want to paint - the sensuous of a nude woman's silhouette, the autumn evening sky...ideas churn around and inspire me for my next project. 

       "The world today doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?"

                                                                                                         Pablo Picasso 

New Paintings! March - 2nd round

Click here to view these pictures larger

Leaving Home

This past Friday I dropped my son off at the airport for his spring break flight to Tucson, AZ. Not only is this his first 'official' spring break trip, but he is also traveling to his potential new city. Our son notified us last summer that he is, well, bored living in the Midwest and desires to explore another part of the country where it is 'warmer'. He has two friends going to the University of Arizona, both business majors as himself, so C researched, applied, got accepted and tomorrow afternoon has his first meeting with the business school at the University of Arizona. He hopes to move and start this fall for his junior year.

Though initially I had a difficult time accepting that C may be moving 1679.74 miles (25 hours and 25 minutes by car) away, I can understand his desire to try a new city, move to a new area, go to a bigger college, and perhaps leave winter behind. For this my son and I have much in common. The need to try new things, explore, and take risks is a personal trait I have had to come to terms with myself; sometimes feeling guilty for wanting change in my life (must be the Catholic upbringing). I credit C with doing this by himself. He understands the risks (mostly the high cost of out-of-state tuition), of being far from family and of having only two friends that he knows in a new city. Though I'm sure by the end of his spring break week in Tucson he'll have more friends.

My son, C, is a great kid. He is smart, very witty, outgoing, sensitive, charming, approachable, and focused. College has changed him for the better - he is embracing his future, focusing on his studies and keeping the end goal in sight. Does it really matter, in the realm of life, where we graduate from college? Probably not. Does it matter that we enjoy the journey? Absolutely. I applaud my son for wanting to enjoy the journey, for doing the work, for keeping his goals in sight. I applaud my son for his ability to make and keep friends, getting better grades in college than in high school, for willing to take risks and move from family and friends to try something new and continue on his path to success.

Wherever C will live, he will always have two homes - one with dad, and one with mom. Home is in the heart and not in a physical place. I hope C enjoys his trip to Tucson this week...I hope C enjoys the journey of his life.

Work/Life Balance

Once a month I have a scheduled lunch with two co-workers. Usually we grab 30 minutes and dine in our company cafeteria, catching up on what's new with each other but end up talking mostly about work. Though the three of us work in the same department, we don't work in the same area and can go days without seeing or talking to each other. Today was our monthly lunch but only two of us could meet. Our third lunch partner didn't join us for lunch - she decided to work over the lunch hour so she wouldn't have to work tomorrow...on SATURDAY. 

My friend and I decided to go OUT for lunch today and enjoyed a 45-minute uninterrupted lunch. We did the usual 'how is work going' conversation ("fine", "busy"), caught up on recent travels (her to South Carolina), and then at the end of our salads began talking about alone time morphing into a conversation on work/life balance. I know I've written about 'time' before (or rather the lack of), but my co-worker and I found a common link that we never discussed before...we both have a need, or rather a yearning, for alone time. Some people don't like being alone or having time by themselves, rather keeping themselves busy or surrounded by others. Have you ever gone to a movie by yourself? Ate at a restaurant by yourself? Went to a party or social function by yourself? Sat in your home with no television or music on....in silence, by yourself? 

After my divorce 16 years ago I was alone for the first time in my life. Sure, I had a toddler son, but my ex and I had joint custody so there were days at a time that I was by myself. Alone. At the age of 30 this was both frightening and liberating. I then took a job that required travel and found myself learning to dine and entertain myself. Initially I was intimidated. Sitting in a restaurant, alone at a table, surrounded by couples or groups can feel both isolating, lonely and even embarrassing. After about one year of not only living alone (post-divorce) and traveling alone (for work), I started to feel more comfortable in my single activities and began coveting my alone time. 

Of course I greatly enjoyed and loved spending time with my son during the time he was in my care, and did talk to him everyday while he was at his dad's, but when he was away, I relished the freedom in doing what I want when I want. Saturday afternoon movie matinees were a favorite - especially since I always got to pick the movie! I became very comfortable being the 'third-wheel' with other couples when invited to parties and social events. Being alone and learning to entertain myself - in a way, take care of myself, matured me. Being alone helped me acquire personality traits such as independence, self-reliability, self-confidence, and assertiveness. I learned to be more approachable and lose the fear of talking to strangers. I learned to be okay with myself.

Not to get too off track, the point of our lunch talk today was that yes, we both enjoy our alone time and also desire a work/life balance that provides alone time. The three of us (including our co-worker who didn't make it to lunch today) are dedicated employees who put much effort into our professions. But we also have spouses, children, friends and activities that go beyond our job - in addition to the time we devote and deserve for ourselves. To our co-worker we missed at lunch today - we missed you at our monthly lunch but glad you are not working on Saturday. Perhaps we'll all have a bit of alone time this weekend...with our family, friends, or ourselves.

I restore myself when I'm alone. - Marilyn Monroe

ENFJ

About a month ago, my employer asked our department to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) - a personality test of sorts. I guess the goal was how the marketing team (around 50 of us) could communicate and work together better individually and in teams, and perhaps, get to know a bit more than we already think we do. This week we met for a 3-hour session with a consultant to learn our MBTI - simply put, a four letter acronym, one of 16 choices, that describes us in the easiest of terms to others.

I am an ENFJ.

E=Extraversion (source of energy)

N=Intuition (taking in information)

F=Feeling (decision making)

J=Judging (lifestyle)

My hallmark? Responsiveness. Though the ENFJ assigned to me is not surprising (to me, or my friends and co-workers), of more interest is the rather comprehensive workbook we took home with us to dive down into even more detail those personality traits. Well defined in the workbook are the areas that I personally contribute to, such as:

• soliciting everyone's opinion so that very voice is heard
• providing warmth, respecting diversity, and being sensitive to people's needs
• providing direction that is supportive, participative, and responsive
• providing caring support for others in times of flux
• being responsible and planful in order to assist others

Okay, I guess I agree with these "personality observations". Of more interest to me and in greater detail are the areas that "may irritate" others or which "may irritate" me. Mmmm...I need to read this.

Some of the traits listed that may irritate others include wanting everyone to get along, being too involved, helping too much, being overly zealous on issues, being overly idealistic, and my favorite "being too positive in general and in particular about people". Again, these are the personality traits so determined in me, that IRRITATE others. Really? Is it irritating to be helpful? involved? positive?

I realize, at my mid-life age, that my personality, including my personal ethics and morals, are pretty well set; perhaps only changed by a tumultuous life event that could so change my personality as to permanently change who I really am. I do not plan on having (hopefully) said life event. Ever.

As we sat in the room learning the four-letter acronym of our fellow co-workers, I listened intently for someone with the same four letters, and there is only one, my co-worker, C. A delightful, intelligent woman, who, I guess, is much like me. 

I knew I liked her the moment I met her. 

I may have a comrade to be helpful, involved, idealistic and zealously irritating to others. This makes me laugh. Is that irritating?

"Personality has the power to open many doors, but character must keep them open"

The Art of Painting

A quick post tonight....my painting class started again last night. I couldn't get to the class quick enough! For a 'warm-up' I painted 5 small (3" x 3") paintings (see above and below). Having fun playing with pumice, toilet paper rolls (great for stenciling!), sides of cardboard, and my continued learning of mixing colors. On to bigger (and perhaps better??) next week.

l'anxiété

I've spent a great part of my life being anxious; or rather having anxiety. Of course when I was young, I didn't know what anxiety was and couldn't put a label on what I was feeling. The unexplained stomachaches, headaches, nervous twitches, hives did not have a diagnosis. As a young child, I didn't understand stress, I just knew that I didn't feel good - a lot. My childhood wasn't always happy. Growing up with a severely alcoholic abusive absent father negatively affected our family and the way we lived. Now, many years later, terms such as 'codependency', 'neglect', 'verbal/emotional abuse', 'enabling', and 'addiction' are labels placed on my childhood and adulthood.

Off and on counseling, since the age of 12, has helped me to overcome (mostly) the loss of childhood I experienced, recover from the neglect and abuse, and understand addiction. Unfortunately, the anxiety that started as a young child has not gone away. I experience physical manifestations of anxiety in different forms at different times; never really knowing when my body will go into 'full anxiety'. Years ago, I started a new endeavor as a full-time consultant and broke into full body hives for a week - the physical pain associated with the hives was overwhelming. Its almost as if my body was speaking to me - or rather yelling at me - telling me to be more aware and "wake up!".

When my son was a baby (not even a year old), his dad and I were having a rough go of it financially so I picked up a second job on the weekends. I was already working full-time during the week. After 9 months of working seven days a week with no days off, I was very exhausted. One Sunday I went to work and my chest, stomach and left arm started to ache badly. Worried, I called the doctor who promptly told me to go to the emergency room. Upon arriving, I was briskly taken to the back for tests - since I showing symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately, I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer, stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and told to promptly quit my weekend job. My body telling me to slow down.

Last March, I started having similar symptoms over a period of about 4 weeks. On a Saturday night, I found myself in the emergency room, again with symptoms of a heart attack. After many tests, a visit with a cardiologist, a stress test and various blood samples, it was deduced that I was having anxiety attacks. Again.

I've tried many non-prescription ways of handling my anxiety...meditation, prayer, yoga, vitamins, making sure I get enough rest, not over scheduling...some have worked, for awhile.

I think I'm fairly good at hiding my anxiety, as I wonder if many of my friends and family even know that I suffer from an "above normal level".

I read once that chronic anxiety and stress can actually leave an imprint in your physical and emotional self...a blueprint of sorts. A 'fight or flight' reaction.

Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal from anxiety. I feel my body has grown accustomed to it over so many years; starting when I was very young. When I was 4 years old, my parents left me alone with my 3-year old sister in the evenings while they worked at a factory. Though my mother left a handwritten note (which of course I couldn't read), we foraged through the refrigerator for food to feed ourselves, putting ourselves to bed when night fell on the small one-bedroom apartment the four of us lived in. I would lay in bed not wanting to fall asleep, listening to my sister cry. No bedtime stories for us. The worry, fear and loneliness I must have felt at that age somehow formed on imprint in my psyche. An imprint that I live with everyday.

The anxiety is unbearable. I only hope it lasts forever. ~ Oscar Wilde

The Anti-Aging Diet

Ah January...the month of resolutions, many of which include losing weight, exercising, stop smoking, being nicer (or at least, more pleasant), getting at least 7 hours of sleep, spending more time with your spouse/partner, sending birthday cards (not the e-mail kind)...well, as you may know from my previous post (below), I don't make resolutions. Funny thing is, resolutions have been the topic of discussion with many of my friends the last couple of weeks. I'm sure by end of January, the discussion on resolutions will be replaced by...let's see, spring clothing trends, change in hair color, and when will the winter end.

This week I went out after work for a cocktail (for me = diet coke) with a new friend from work, T. As we were sitting across from one another in the dimly lit lounge of a restaurant, she asked how old I was. Never embarrassed or bothered by my age, I quickly answered, "47". "No way" T said, "I don't believe you". Well, at the age of 47 why oh why would I lie? T's eyes opened widely as she told me she needed proof, of which I quickly offered up my driver's license (birth year: 1962). I've never been too hung up on age - there are people who are 18 and act like they are 30; and people who are 30 who act like they are 18 (and this goes for their looks as well!). T is 31; she thought I was 37. LOVE the compliment.

Most people who try to guess my age usually place me in the late 30s. Pretty cool for a mother of a 20-year old and who would have been married 27 years this year to his father.

I thank genetics, decent living and my personal "anti-aging diet" for keeping me looking younger than my 47 years. I'm lucky to have two grandmothers who, with their luminous skin and minimal lines looked awesome as they aged (one of my grandmothers is passed; the other just turned 91 and looks fantastic!). My mother, though she died at the too young age of 52, always looked beautiful and to me, glamorous (a former Miss Shakopee (MN)!). Mom would step out of the house with a brush of mascara and a stroke of lipstick on her lips and look like a million bucks.

I don't smoke, drink minimal alcohol and askew the sun (though I was a "sun bunny" in my teens....which I have paid for with a history of skin cancer). I owe my skin tone, lack of visible wrinkles, full lips and cheeks to the "anti-aging diet". Anyone who knows me knows that for most of my life I've struggled with my weight - up and down, down and up...and at this point, I think if I do lose those pounds that I probably should, the fat would leave my face, the wrinkles and lines would slowly start to appear...and BAM!.....I will look 'my age'...47. The "anti-aging diet" (read: no dieting...don't lose weight...stay pleasantly plump) keeps my wrinkles and lines at bay...and to think I don't need to use $100 skin creams!

I will admit that a positive and happy outlook on life shared with loving friends and family and self-acceptance also help in keeping me look 'not my age' (or at least I think so). Maybe that is the key to the 'anti-aging diet' - self-acceptance. Now there's a resolution I can live with.

A New Year

Yes, I know. It's 2010 - a new year, a new decade. A time when many think about resolutions, actually make them, only to break them at, let's see.....today (January 2nd). Now I don't mean to sound negative, sarcastic or condescending...very much not. But why is it that resolutions are made the first of every year? I say let's start a new trend...let's make resolutions on July 4th. What better way to make a list of things you want to change about yourself and have fireworks exploding upon finalization of 'the list' (or, your 'bucket list' if you are so inclined)?

I don't make resolutions anymore. I used to, but a week in to the new year would find myself going back to my 'old ways'. My resolutions were boring and pretty much the same year in and year out - exercise more (or at least start!), lose weight (a lifelong battle), floss my teeth more (this is the one resolution that is successful). I don't smoke, drink (to excess), gamble, cheat, steal...generally, I'm nice to family and friends. I like my job, my coworkers...so making a resolution every new year almost became, well, boring. It's interesting talking to friends and family this time of year to actually discuss what their resolutions are - or if they don't make them at all. We visited my cousin, J, on New Year's eve and he asked us "what were your highs and lows in '09?". Good question.

Though I am a very thankful person and realize I live a blessed life, I had not taken the time to think about 2009 and all the ups and downs of the past year. As I thought for a moment, I quickly realized that 2009 was made of many 'highs' and few 'lows'. All in all, probably one of the best years of my life. Actually I think I had one of the best decades. I sometimes contemplate my life in 'chunks of years' - the last couple years, the last 5 years, the last decade. The decade of the '10s' will bring many changes to my life and the lives of those closest....I will turn 50, my son will become 'legal', finish college (!!), start his career, perhaps fall in love (of course - this I am hoping will all come true for him)...some family and friends will pass, others will be born, some relationships may end but others may begin.

Perhaps I should make a resolution, not for 2010, but for today. A daily resolution. To be happy, to be healthy, to be kind, to be loving, to be a great mom, a loving partner, a good friend...to bring a smile to someone I just met, give a hug to someone for no reason, to be thankful, to live in joy. For I have today, January 2, 2010...and I'm very thankful.