Finding the Holy

I woke up early this morning - early for Seattle; mid-morning for home in Minneapolis. A wet, gray, cloudy Seattle morning. Probably not unlike a lot of mornings here. I like rain. For me, rain is a cleansing of sorts - I feel baptized in a sense. Rain cleans the air, cleans the street, clears the clouds that occupy the sky sometimes too often occupy my mind. After quickly dressing, I left the warm confines of our room and headed downstairs to a small restaurant and slid into a booth; ordered a glorious pot of hot tea and a warm scone and read the daily paper. And I actually READ the paper; not skimmed the headlines which is my usual modus operandi having little time to absorb all the information placed on the pages. A headline quickly caught my eyes - "'Holy' moments surround us" by Dean Nelson (USA TODAY).

My spiritual life, is, to say the least, currently in transition. Or rather in contemplation. I am an oblate of St. Martin Monastery (www.blackhillsbenedictine.com/oblates.php). An oblate is one who forms a commitment to Benedictine spirituality that is given unconditionally from the heart, that needs to be cultivated in "good and bad" days. I admit to being much more diligent in my role (or responsibility) as an oblate years back, but since moving to Minnesota have struggled.

There are seven ancient sacraments that organized Christianity has recognized for thousands of years: Baptism, Holy Orders, Confession, Confirmation, Marriage, Extreme Unction, and Eucharist. Growing up Catholic, I have experienced 5 of the 7. The point of Nelson's article is that one doesn't have to experience the sacraments in a church or in front of a priest (or clergy); but rather in those moments when we share ourselves with others. Nelson asks "haven't we all been part of conversations where they somehow take on a deeper dimension, even though it's just two people talking?".

For 5 years I went to a spiritual director (a Benedictine nun) at St. Martin Monastery. A loving, gracious, knowledgable nun who reminds me of my paternal grandmother; Sr. M awoke in me the spiritual, the holy. Before I started spiritual direction I was an empty, lonely vessel. It is often said that those going through spiritual direction should be prepared for your life to take a 360 degree turn. Mine did; radically. My life did a complete turnaround. Relationships changed, some died, some grew. I changed.

I no longer attend church or go to any religious celebrations. I do pray everyday - and share my feelings and thoughts with those people closest in my life. These are my holy moments. I relish in the time I spend with family and friends sharing my feelings, listening to theirs. It never occurred to me that these are holy moments. Perhaps my spiritual life is in transition but is moving towards what it was always meant to be - in the holy of now.

Vacation

It's almost midnight on Friday evening. "Officially" the start of a weeklong vacation. Merriam-Webster (http://www.merriam-webster.com) defines a vacation as:

• a time of respite from something
• a period of exemption from work granted to an employee
• a period spent away from home or business in travel or recreation

Check, check, check. I'm doing all three, though I have to admit that the 2nd bullet point sounds a bit 'clinical'. Am I actually granted an exemption from work? Gee, and I thought paid time off was earned; not granted.

I don't remember the last time I took a week's vacation and actually went somewhere I've never been. We're headed west to Seattle, WA. The city of Seattle has always been on my travel list (in my mind; never written down) and all I've heard are great things. Albeit the city is wrapped in rain a lot and it is supposed to rain while we're there; I don't really care. I'm not traveling for the weather; I'm going on a vacation. And it probably doesn't matter where we're going, just that we are.

The biggest thing I fear about vacation is just when I'm starting to relax, unwind, remove work stress from my mind, it will be Monday, November 2 - the day I go back to work. Perhaps the Europeans have it right - I understand they get much more vacation than we do in the U.S. My previous employer gave us a whole two weeks a year - for vacation AND sick time AND personal time. Gee, how nice. Now I get 4 weeks, of which I'm thankful.

Some people plan their vacations to the hour - enjoying being a tourist and visiting every attraction and souvenir shop. Not us. We have no plans - we're going to wing it. Of course there are things we like to do on vacation - visit local restaurants, museums, people watch - but's that's the fun of vacation - take the time off - take a respite - but don't plan much. We're not only giving our bodies a vacation; but we're also giving our minds a vacation.

We're granting ourselves a respite...and that's what's really important.

Three Precious Women

June 16, 1993. I'm not good at remembering dates - don't ask me when World War I started or ended; what years Lincoln was President; or when I had my first "boy" date. But I will always remember June 16, 1993, the day my mother died. She had just turned 52 a month before and was too young, way too young, to die. I was 30. A numb, angry, resentful, sad 30-year old soon-to-be-divorced, mother of a 3-year old, scared daughter. My mother was a gorgeous (former "Miss Shakopee" (MN)), caring, loving, generous woman who cared deeply for her family; sometimes far too deeply. Brain cancer struck her 18 months before she died. Right on time. After the initial diagnosis and surgery, all I remember the surgeon saying is that mom had 12-18 months. He offered no explanation, no condolences. We had mom for 18 months - thru two brain surgeries, partial paralysis and the last weeks of her life in hospice, mom fought the cancer as bravely and strongly as she could.

I miss my mom...sometimes it still hurts, like she died yesterday. The ache never quite goes away. I miss my mom when I look into my son's eyes; sad that he never really knew his grandma.

January 4, 2008. I remember this date as well. The date my dear grandmother V. passed away. She lived 92 long, wonderful years. Grandma lit up a room when she came in - her ruby red lips always smiling, her blue eyes sparkling. I miss her hugs. I miss the smell of her perfume. I miss her asking how everything is going - and her really wanting to know.

October 20, 2009. Today. A day like most others. I'm thinking of my grandma L. A spry and independent soon-to-be 91-year old. We went to an apple farm on Sunday and decorated her house with Halloween decorations. At 91, grandma can still get on her hands and knees to grab the Halloween decorations from the bottom of the linen closet. I helped but didn't get up as fast as she could. At 91 grandma is more flexible than me...I better make a New Year's resolution this year to start yoga again.

My mother and two grandmothers are the women who have surrounded and loved me during my life. They've taught me to love learning, finish school, take risks, take care of my baby son, take care of myself. I've grown into the independent, self-reliant woman I am today from the life lessons three precious women have taught me. I may not be good at remembering dates but I will always have the memories of a life consumed by the love of three very special women. I am a mother yet I will always remain a daughter and granddaughter.

Photos from Renee

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Before it Breaks

Brandi Carlile (http://www.brandicarlile.com/) is one of my favorite singer songwriters. I've seen her perform live 6 times in the past three years. Brandi hails from the Seattle, WA area but her biggest market for record sales and concert goers is Minneapolis. The first time I saw Brandi Carlile was at a not sold-out show at the Varsity Theater in Dinkeytown; the last time 3 weeks ago at one of the 2-night sold-out (in 2 hours) concerts at the O'Shaughnessy Auditorium in St. Paul. How far she has come in 3 years; and all at the young age of 26.

Her new CD, Give Up The Ghost, has a beautiful song title "Before it Breaks". Eloquently written and beautifully sung, the languid song and emotional lyrics are about a relationship in trouble..."say it's over, say I'm dreamin', say I'm better than you left me, say you're sorry I can take it, say you love me, say you don't, I can make my own mistakes...let it bend before it breaks".

The lyrics remind me of an essay I recently read about a marriage in trouble...after 20 years of marriage the husband wanted 'out'. There was no affair, no money problems, no job problems...the husband fell out of love and wanted out. His wife didn't give. Instead she told him to take his time and figure it out. Just figure it out. She wasn't going to leave him or their marriage. After 6 months their marriage healed; he healed. His wife did bend so their marriage didn't break.

Perhaps there is a lesson in waiting things out; not giving up. Fighting for what we believe. Fighting for believing in ourselves; in others; in our relationships. Maybe we bend too much but maybe not enough. Breaking something is permanent; bending allows for a return to what was or what can be. I'm going to let it bend before it breaks.

Where is the Time?

Anyone that knows me knows that I've had a few jobs in my lifetime so far. No excuses, no specific reasons...I changed jobs for a variety of reasons: less money, but wanted the work experience; change of scenery; change of location; better opportunity to be mentored; better opportunity to learn; better opportunity to not be bored.

There were quite a few jobs where I would stare at the bottom right-hand corner of my desktop computer and watch the minutes go by...3:32 PM, 4:17 PM; 4:53 PM...could't wait until 5:00 PM and I was outta there. Mostly due to boredom. Well, not anymore. Now I hardly have time to be aware of the time; sometimes I forget which day of the week it is. I'm concentrating now and thinking that's it's Wednesday already..."hump day" as it is fondly called. I guess my week is 'downhill' from here on out; not really since Friday's have always been my favorite day of the week.

Which brings me to the discussion of TIME in general. Asked how someone is and I commonly hear "I'm busy". What does 'busy' mean? Busy with work, with a project, with your kids, hobbies, cleaning your house? Seems we are ALL busy. I'd prefer to not be so busy. To find the balance of time is a challenge. Work can easily take 50% of our day - from the time we get up out of bed, shower, travel to work, enjoy the work day and travel home. An easy 6am to 6pm kind of day. Add in an average of 8 hours of sleep and you are given a 'net' of 4 hours per day for personal activities which many times involve cooking and cleaning, driving kids, and writing blogs! (if you're lucky).

It is now 8:31PM on my computer clock...counting down the time until bedtime and all the things I still want to do tonight but know won't get done. I need more time. Perhaps an 8-day week; or 4-day work week....I think I'll spend some time thinking about this.

Be well....Renee

First Blog - Autumn is here!

Greetings and welcome to my first blog!! This has been on my "to do" list for quite some time and I'm now happy to be able to start writing. I don't know where 2009 has gone but I can't believe it's October. Summer was a whirl...graduate exams, a job promotion and moving. And it was the l.o.n.g.e.s.t. move every...took 4 weeks to unpack - couldn't believe it! But we're settled and really enjoying our new home. I graduated in August with a MS in Library & Information Science from the University of North Texas specializing in information science - areas of information architecture, data organization and management.

I'm most excited this fall and thankful for many reasons. Cooper started his sophomore year at Minnesota State University, I'm taking a painting class and starting to knit again, we're settled in our new home, my job is going well and I have a great group of friends. I hope to add interesting tidbits, information and general 'catch-up' to this blog. Stay tuned.