bulles d'air - April 2011
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Art of Painting
A quick post tonight....my painting class started again last night. I couldn't get to the class quick enough! For a 'warm-up' I painted 5 small (3" x 3") paintings (see above and below). Having fun playing with pumice, toilet paper rolls (great for stenciling!), sides of cardboard, and my continued learning of mixing colors. On to bigger (and perhaps better??) next week.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
l'anxiété
I've spent a great part of my life being anxious; or rather having anxiety. Of course when I was young, I didn't know what anxiety was and couldn't put a label on what I was feeling. The unexplained stomachaches, headaches, nervous twitches, hives did not have a diagnosis. As a young child, I didn't understand stress, I just knew that I didn't feel good - a lot. My childhood wasn't always happy. Growing up with a severely alcoholic abusive absent father negatively affected our family and the way we lived. Now, many years later, terms such as 'codependency', 'neglect', 'verbal/emotional abuse', 'enabling', and 'addiction' are labels placed on my childhood and adulthood.
Off and on counseling, since the age of 12, has helped me to overcome (mostly) the loss of childhood I experienced, recover from the neglect and abuse, and understand addiction. Unfortunately, the anxiety that started as a young child has not gone away. I experience physical manifestations of anxiety in different forms at different times; never really knowing when my body will go into 'full anxiety'. Years ago, I started a new endeavor as a full-time consultant and broke into full body hives for a week - the physical pain associated with the hives was overwhelming. Its almost as if my body was speaking to me - or rather yelling at me - telling me to be more aware and "wake up!".
When my son was a baby (not even a year old), his dad and I were having a rough go of it financially so I picked up a second job on the weekends. I was already working full-time during the week. After 9 months of working seven days a week with no days off, I was very exhausted. One Sunday I went to work and my chest, stomach and left arm started to ache badly. Worried, I called the doctor who promptly told me to go to the emergency room. Upon arriving, I was briskly taken to the back for tests - since I showing symptoms of a heart attack. Fortunately, I was diagnosed with a duodenal ulcer, stayed in the hospital for 3 days, and told to promptly quit my weekend job. My body telling me to slow down.
Last March, I started having similar symptoms over a period of about 4 weeks. On a Saturday night, I found myself in the emergency room, again with symptoms of a heart attack. After many tests, a visit with a cardiologist, a stress test and various blood samples, it was deduced that I was having anxiety attacks. Again.
I've tried many non-prescription ways of handling my anxiety...meditation, prayer, yoga, vitamins, making sure I get enough rest, not over scheduling...some have worked, for awhile.
I think I'm fairly good at hiding my anxiety, as I wonder if many of my friends and family even know that I suffer from an "above normal level".
I read once that chronic anxiety and stress can actually leave an imprint in your physical and emotional self...a blueprint of sorts. A 'fight or flight' reaction.
Truthfully, I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal from anxiety. I feel my body has grown accustomed to it over so many years; starting when I was very young. When I was 4 years old, my parents left me alone with my 3-year old sister in the evenings while they worked at a factory. Though my mother left a handwritten note (which of course I couldn't read), we foraged through the refrigerator for food to feed ourselves, putting ourselves to bed when night fell on the small one-bedroom apartment the four of us lived in. I would lay in bed not wanting to fall asleep, listening to my sister cry. No bedtime stories for us. The worry, fear and loneliness I must have felt at that age somehow formed on imprint in my psyche. An imprint that I live with everyday.
The anxiety is unbearable. I only hope it lasts forever. ~ Oscar Wilde
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Anti-Aging Diet
Ah January...the month of resolutions, many of which include losing weight, exercising, stop smoking, being nicer (or at least, more pleasant), getting at least 7 hours of sleep, spending more time with your spouse/partner, sending birthday cards (not the e-mail kind)...well, as you may know from my previous post (below), I don't make resolutions. Funny thing is, resolutions have been the topic of discussion with many of my friends the last couple of weeks. I'm sure by end of January, the discussion on resolutions will be replaced by...let's see, spring clothing trends, change in hair color, and when will the winter end.
This week I went out after work for a cocktail (for me = diet coke) with a new friend from work, T. As we were sitting across from one another in the dimly lit lounge of a restaurant, she asked how old I was. Never embarrassed or bothered by my age, I quickly answered, "47". "No way" T said, "I don't believe you". Well, at the age of 47 why oh why would I lie? T's eyes opened widely as she told me she needed proof, of which I quickly offered up my driver's license (birth year: 1962). I've never been too hung up on age - there are people who are 18 and act like they are 30; and people who are 30 who act like they are 18 (and this goes for their looks as well!). T is 31; she thought I was 37. LOVE the compliment.
Most people who try to guess my age usually place me in the late 30s. Pretty cool for a mother of a 20-year old and who would have been married 27 years this year to his father.
I thank genetics, decent living and my personal "anti-aging diet" for keeping me looking younger than my 47 years. I'm lucky to have two grandmothers who, with their luminous skin and minimal lines looked awesome as they aged (one of my grandmothers is passed; the other just turned 91 and looks fantastic!). My mother, though she died at the too young age of 52, always looked beautiful and to me, glamorous (a former Miss Shakopee (MN)!). Mom would step out of the house with a brush of mascara and a stroke of lipstick on her lips and look like a million bucks.
I don't smoke, drink minimal alcohol and askew the sun (though I was a "sun bunny" in my teens....which I have paid for with a history of skin cancer). I owe my skin tone, lack of visible wrinkles, full lips and cheeks to the "anti-aging diet". Anyone who knows me knows that for most of my life I've struggled with my weight - up and down, down and up...and at this point, I think if I do lose those pounds that I probably should, the fat would leave my face, the wrinkles and lines would slowly start to appear...and BAM!.....I will look 'my age'...47. The "anti-aging diet" (read: no dieting...don't lose weight...stay pleasantly plump) keeps my wrinkles and lines at bay...and to think I don't need to use $100 skin creams!
I will admit that a positive and happy outlook on life shared with loving friends and family and self-acceptance also help in keeping me look 'not my age' (or at least I think so). Maybe that is the key to the 'anti-aging diet' - self-acceptance. Now there's a resolution I can live with.
This week I went out after work for a cocktail (for me = diet coke) with a new friend from work, T. As we were sitting across from one another in the dimly lit lounge of a restaurant, she asked how old I was. Never embarrassed or bothered by my age, I quickly answered, "47". "No way" T said, "I don't believe you". Well, at the age of 47 why oh why would I lie? T's eyes opened widely as she told me she needed proof, of which I quickly offered up my driver's license (birth year: 1962). I've never been too hung up on age - there are people who are 18 and act like they are 30; and people who are 30 who act like they are 18 (and this goes for their looks as well!). T is 31; she thought I was 37. LOVE the compliment.
Most people who try to guess my age usually place me in the late 30s. Pretty cool for a mother of a 20-year old and who would have been married 27 years this year to his father.
I thank genetics, decent living and my personal "anti-aging diet" for keeping me looking younger than my 47 years. I'm lucky to have two grandmothers who, with their luminous skin and minimal lines looked awesome as they aged (one of my grandmothers is passed; the other just turned 91 and looks fantastic!). My mother, though she died at the too young age of 52, always looked beautiful and to me, glamorous (a former Miss Shakopee (MN)!). Mom would step out of the house with a brush of mascara and a stroke of lipstick on her lips and look like a million bucks.
I don't smoke, drink minimal alcohol and askew the sun (though I was a "sun bunny" in my teens....which I have paid for with a history of skin cancer). I owe my skin tone, lack of visible wrinkles, full lips and cheeks to the "anti-aging diet". Anyone who knows me knows that for most of my life I've struggled with my weight - up and down, down and up...and at this point, I think if I do lose those pounds that I probably should, the fat would leave my face, the wrinkles and lines would slowly start to appear...and BAM!.....I will look 'my age'...47. The "anti-aging diet" (read: no dieting...don't lose weight...stay pleasantly plump) keeps my wrinkles and lines at bay...and to think I don't need to use $100 skin creams!
I will admit that a positive and happy outlook on life shared with loving friends and family and self-acceptance also help in keeping me look 'not my age' (or at least I think so). Maybe that is the key to the 'anti-aging diet' - self-acceptance. Now there's a resolution I can live with.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A New Year
Yes, I know. It's 2010 - a new year, a new decade. A time when many think about resolutions, actually make them, only to break them at, let's see.....today (January 2nd). Now I don't mean to sound negative, sarcastic or condescending...very much not. But why is it that resolutions are made the first of every year? I say let's start a new trend...let's make resolutions on July 4th. What better way to make a list of things you want to change about yourself and have fireworks exploding upon finalization of 'the list' (or, your 'bucket list' if you are so inclined)?
I don't make resolutions anymore. I used to, but a week in to the new year would find myself going back to my 'old ways'. My resolutions were boring and pretty much the same year in and year out - exercise more (or at least start!), lose weight (a lifelong battle), floss my teeth more (this is the one resolution that is successful). I don't smoke, drink (to excess), gamble, cheat, steal...generally, I'm nice to family and friends. I like my job, my coworkers...so making a resolution every new year almost became, well, boring. It's interesting talking to friends and family this time of year to actually discuss what their resolutions are - or if they don't make them at all. We visited my cousin, J, on New Year's eve and he asked us "what were your highs and lows in '09?". Good question.
Though I am a very thankful person and realize I live a blessed life, I had not taken the time to think about 2009 and all the ups and downs of the past year. As I thought for a moment, I quickly realized that 2009 was made of many 'highs' and few 'lows'. All in all, probably one of the best years of my life. Actually I think I had one of the best decades. I sometimes contemplate my life in 'chunks of years' - the last couple years, the last 5 years, the last decade. The decade of the '10s' will bring many changes to my life and the lives of those closest....I will turn 50, my son will become 'legal', finish college (!!), start his career, perhaps fall in love (of course - this I am hoping will all come true for him)...some family and friends will pass, others will be born, some relationships may end but others may begin.
Perhaps I should make a resolution, not for 2010, but for today. A daily resolution. To be happy, to be healthy, to be kind, to be loving, to be a great mom, a loving partner, a good friend...to bring a smile to someone I just met, give a hug to someone for no reason, to be thankful, to live in joy. For I have today, January 2, 2010...and I'm very thankful.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The Birthday Bounty Experiment
This Thursday, December 10, marks the anniversary of yet another birthday for me. I realize, as I get older, that birthdays don't hold the excitement they did when I was young. Oh how I looked forward with great joy every December. Not only did I look forward to Santa arriving with presents; but I also got birthday gifts. It was like winning the lottery twice. I waited all year for December - by birthday and Christmas merely two weeks apart. What fun, what excitement...plus snow!
After I reached 30 (0kay, 35), my birthday somewhat lost its glamour. Sure, I enjoy receiving cards and birthday greetings from family and friends; but I often catch myself lost in thought to actually how old I am when people ask. You see, I believe that age is just a number and your actual birth age is not connected to your mind, thoughts, how you look and act, what kind of music you listen to, car you drive, seniority at your job or how fast you can walk around the block. Most people, when asked, guess me around 10 years younger than my actual age. Maybe its because most of my friends, including my partner, are younger than me; or like me, are young in spirit.
Now when I contemplate my impending birthdays, if my age is not followed by a "0", as in 40, 50, 60...I don't give it much thought. What really does it mean to be 28? 36? 48? 53? Sure, society, or rather our egos, have set deadlines. When I was in my 20s, I thought it appropriate that my annual salary match my age. When I turned 30 I was making $30,000. Check. Done. Unfortunately, today's economy would put a $30,000 salary for a 30-year old in the lower middle class band. In my 20s I dreamt of owning a BMW. This, I thought, would be the penultimate measure of my career success. Today, in my mid-40s, I drive a 7-year old Toyota with over 124,000 miles on it; have never driven a BMW and don't plan on trading my vehicle anytime soon (and it won't be for a BMW). Growing up, and probably due to watching too much television, I thought that success in life meant going to college, getting a job, finding a husband, having a couple of kids, buying a nice house in the suburbs with a couple of vehicles in the driveway. The generational fairy tale of the baby boomers. My life? go to college for one year, get married, buy a small house, quit college with one semester left, have a baby, get a divorce, finish college, date the wrong guys, find the right guy, finish grad school, buy a townhouse. Mmm...never read this in any child storybook. I digress.
I'm sure you're reading this and wondering, what is the birthday bounty experiment?
I like getting free things or sale prices. Rarely do I purchase clothes, books or music unless they are on sale. I even negotiated the price of the furniture we bought new for our townhouse (much to the amazement of K. who never knew you could negotiate furniture - you do this for cars, right?). So, I sign up for emails, text alerts, Facebook groups, and twitter from retail stores that I like to visit. Companies are getting very net-savvy and social marketing is sweeping the country. Companies want to stay connected to you and love when you opt-in for their emails; oftentimes they ask for the month and date of your birthday as a way of enticing you to shop and buy more.
The emails and mailings for my 'birthday bounty' started arriving the first of December. Most of these 'gifts' are good for the month which is great for me. Not only will I partake of some of them (love to go to Caribou Coffee on my birthday for my free drink!), but I also use the incentives to purchase Christmas gifts for friends and family. So far, my birthday bounty consists of:
I won't partake of all the birthday offers I have received. And thankfully, these companies don't know my age. I don't need a BMW or a house with a picket fence, I get to go to Lions Tap and get a free hamburger. Now that's success.
After I reached 30 (0kay, 35), my birthday somewhat lost its glamour. Sure, I enjoy receiving cards and birthday greetings from family and friends; but I often catch myself lost in thought to actually how old I am when people ask. You see, I believe that age is just a number and your actual birth age is not connected to your mind, thoughts, how you look and act, what kind of music you listen to, car you drive, seniority at your job or how fast you can walk around the block. Most people, when asked, guess me around 10 years younger than my actual age. Maybe its because most of my friends, including my partner, are younger than me; or like me, are young in spirit.
Now when I contemplate my impending birthdays, if my age is not followed by a "0", as in 40, 50, 60...I don't give it much thought. What really does it mean to be 28? 36? 48? 53? Sure, society, or rather our egos, have set deadlines. When I was in my 20s, I thought it appropriate that my annual salary match my age. When I turned 30 I was making $30,000. Check. Done. Unfortunately, today's economy would put a $30,000 salary for a 30-year old in the lower middle class band. In my 20s I dreamt of owning a BMW. This, I thought, would be the penultimate measure of my career success. Today, in my mid-40s, I drive a 7-year old Toyota with over 124,000 miles on it; have never driven a BMW and don't plan on trading my vehicle anytime soon (and it won't be for a BMW). Growing up, and probably due to watching too much television, I thought that success in life meant going to college, getting a job, finding a husband, having a couple of kids, buying a nice house in the suburbs with a couple of vehicles in the driveway. The generational fairy tale of the baby boomers. My life? go to college for one year, get married, buy a small house, quit college with one semester left, have a baby, get a divorce, finish college, date the wrong guys, find the right guy, finish grad school, buy a townhouse. Mmm...never read this in any child storybook. I digress.
I'm sure you're reading this and wondering, what is the birthday bounty experiment?
I like getting free things or sale prices. Rarely do I purchase clothes, books or music unless they are on sale. I even negotiated the price of the furniture we bought new for our townhouse (much to the amazement of K. who never knew you could negotiate furniture - you do this for cars, right?). So, I sign up for emails, text alerts, Facebook groups, and twitter from retail stores that I like to visit. Companies are getting very net-savvy and social marketing is sweeping the country. Companies want to stay connected to you and love when you opt-in for their emails; oftentimes they ask for the month and date of your birthday as a way of enticing you to shop and buy more.
The emails and mailings for my 'birthday bounty' started arriving the first of December. Most of these 'gifts' are good for the month which is great for me. Not only will I partake of some of them (love to go to Caribou Coffee on my birthday for my free drink!), but I also use the incentives to purchase Christmas gifts for friends and family. So far, my birthday bounty consists of:
- Free drinks at Dunn Brothers and Caribou Coffee
- Free dessert at Buca di Peppo
- Free hamburgers at Lions Tap and Ruby Tuesday
- 15% off at Anthropologie
- $15 off at JCPenney
- 20% off Lane Bryant
- Free Shimmer Lip Gloss trio at Sephora
I won't partake of all the birthday offers I have received. And thankfully, these companies don't know my age. I don't need a BMW or a house with a picket fence, I get to go to Lions Tap and get a free hamburger. Now that's success.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Holiday Rituals
I have many fond memories of holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas especially. Halloween never really meant much to me. Sure, I'd go trick or treating in a homemade 'gypsy' costume made each year from leftover clothes I found in my mom's closet. Halloween ended abruptly for me when I was 11; not due to my age so much as to my height - I was already 5'7" and when adults opened the door I was told I was "too old" and should leave the candy for the young kids. I haven't worn a costume since 1973.
The remaining holidays - Valentine's, Easter, 4th of July, Labor Day - never held any significance in our family. No rituals surrounded these dates except for the ritual of laziness. Having a Monday, Friday or day during the week off was holiday enough - no need for extra celebration.
But Thanksgiving and Christmas held specific rituals and importance in our family. Both of these holidays were equally shared between my parent's families; down to the time of eating, raisins in the stuffing (only on my mom's side), prayers said, games played, naps taken.
I've always been fond of rituals, which is probably why I enjoyed attending Catholic Mass for so many years - until I realized the ritual of Mass and the ritual of Eucharist wasn't enough to sustain my participation. Holiday rituals are important and I believe a vital component of a child's upbringing. Rituals form memories and memories are one of building blocks of a healthy mental attitude. Betsy Taylor states “Rituals give kids a sense of security in a fast-moving, unpredictable world, as well as memories they will cherish a lifetime.”
The holiday rituals our family celebrated formed memories for me that I reflect on, especially during this time of the year. Though my childhood sometimes had more 'downs' then 'ups' it is the memory of the many family gatherings I cherish and remember the most.
My son recently turned 20 and we just celebrated Thanksgiving together - it was our 5th Thanksgiving together. My ex-husband and I divorced when our son was 3 and for the next 15 years the two of them celebrated turkey day with my ex's family. Since starting college in Minnesota two years ago, my son now joins us for Thanksgiving. Throughout his first 18 years, the three of us celebrated Christmas together and enjoyed the ritual of Christmas Eve church service, my son and I sitting next to each other in a pew singing along with the choir, which his dad still sings in. We then would go to my home for a relaxing Christmas Eve dinner while our son anxiously waited to open his presents. Oftentimes we drove around the neighborhood looking at all the beautiful and colorful holiday lights. These are our son's memories; our son's rituals. Though our son is a product of divorce, we came together as a family at Christmas (along with sporting events, school activities, choir concerts, doctor appointments...).
My son was here for Thanksgiving weekend but I won't see him until January. In a few weeks after finishing finals, he'll travel west 600 miles to his dad's home and spend the Christmas holiday. I'll miss him on Christmas; miss his excitement in opening gifts; in digging into homemade chex mix; in giving me a warm hug. But I know where he'll be on Christmas Eve...sitting in a church pew, singing carols while his father is in the choir on stage. After church, they'll go home and have something nice to eat and open gifts. Though the three of us may not be together this year, I know the holiday ritual we started 20 years ago still continues.
The remaining holidays - Valentine's, Easter, 4th of July, Labor Day - never held any significance in our family. No rituals surrounded these dates except for the ritual of laziness. Having a Monday, Friday or day during the week off was holiday enough - no need for extra celebration.
But Thanksgiving and Christmas held specific rituals and importance in our family. Both of these holidays were equally shared between my parent's families; down to the time of eating, raisins in the stuffing (only on my mom's side), prayers said, games played, naps taken.
I've always been fond of rituals, which is probably why I enjoyed attending Catholic Mass for so many years - until I realized the ritual of Mass and the ritual of Eucharist wasn't enough to sustain my participation. Holiday rituals are important and I believe a vital component of a child's upbringing. Rituals form memories and memories are one of building blocks of a healthy mental attitude. Betsy Taylor states “Rituals give kids a sense of security in a fast-moving, unpredictable world, as well as memories they will cherish a lifetime.”
The holiday rituals our family celebrated formed memories for me that I reflect on, especially during this time of the year. Though my childhood sometimes had more 'downs' then 'ups' it is the memory of the many family gatherings I cherish and remember the most.
My son recently turned 20 and we just celebrated Thanksgiving together - it was our 5th Thanksgiving together. My ex-husband and I divorced when our son was 3 and for the next 15 years the two of them celebrated turkey day with my ex's family. Since starting college in Minnesota two years ago, my son now joins us for Thanksgiving. Throughout his first 18 years, the three of us celebrated Christmas together and enjoyed the ritual of Christmas Eve church service, my son and I sitting next to each other in a pew singing along with the choir, which his dad still sings in. We then would go to my home for a relaxing Christmas Eve dinner while our son anxiously waited to open his presents. Oftentimes we drove around the neighborhood looking at all the beautiful and colorful holiday lights. These are our son's memories; our son's rituals. Though our son is a product of divorce, we came together as a family at Christmas (along with sporting events, school activities, choir concerts, doctor appointments...).
My son was here for Thanksgiving weekend but I won't see him until January. In a few weeks after finishing finals, he'll travel west 600 miles to his dad's home and spend the Christmas holiday. I'll miss him on Christmas; miss his excitement in opening gifts; in digging into homemade chex mix; in giving me a warm hug. But I know where he'll be on Christmas Eve...sitting in a church pew, singing carols while his father is in the choir on stage. After church, they'll go home and have something nice to eat and open gifts. Though the three of us may not be together this year, I know the holiday ritual we started 20 years ago still continues.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thankfulness
Why is it, around the time of Thanksgiving and the holidays, when we reflect on all we are thankful for? Whenever I check my Facebook account lately, every few status updates starts with "I am thankful for...". Now I am not implying that this is wrong, untimely or inappropriate.
Quite the contrary. I'm simply questioning why we, as participants in society, aren't thankful and show our thankfulness...our appreciation...our gratitude to those around us every day?
One of the personality qualities, or rather deficits, I deplore is rudeness. Rudeness for not saying 'thank you', even for the simplest of gifts or offerings that others give us. When I started kindergarten, my mother sent me off to school every day saying, "make sure you say please and thank you to your teacher and the lunch ladies". I always did, and the lunch ladies always smiled gently at me whenever I thanked them. I grew up in the generation where we revered those adults that taught us, served us, preached to us, guided us. I grew up in the generation where I learned to appreciate the small things people did for me, the small presents I received. For in my childhood, these were the things that meant the most. And they still are.
I sometimes forget to be grateful, to be thankful. It's not out of rudeness, but rather unawareness, not being present with the here and now. Not paying attention to those things another has done for me, or others.
I am present today; am present now; and I am thankful...and to all who I have not shown or communicated my gratitude and appreciation, thank you. Thank you.
Quite the contrary. I'm simply questioning why we, as participants in society, aren't thankful and show our thankfulness...our appreciation...our gratitude to those around us every day?
One of the personality qualities, or rather deficits, I deplore is rudeness. Rudeness for not saying 'thank you', even for the simplest of gifts or offerings that others give us. When I started kindergarten, my mother sent me off to school every day saying, "make sure you say please and thank you to your teacher and the lunch ladies". I always did, and the lunch ladies always smiled gently at me whenever I thanked them. I grew up in the generation where we revered those adults that taught us, served us, preached to us, guided us. I grew up in the generation where I learned to appreciate the small things people did for me, the small presents I received. For in my childhood, these were the things that meant the most. And they still are.
I sometimes forget to be grateful, to be thankful. It's not out of rudeness, but rather unawareness, not being present with the here and now. Not paying attention to those things another has done for me, or others.
I am present today; am present now; and I am thankful...and to all who I have not shown or communicated my gratitude and appreciation, thank you. Thank you.
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